Here’s a scenario I see all the time: I talk to a parent who tells me their teen is impossible to talk to, good luck with that, and then I meet with the teen alone and the conversation flows. And it’s not because I’m doing something mystical or magical. It’s often because of things I’m NOT doing.
1) I’m not doing anything other than talking to them. Meaning: I’m not folding laundry or making dinner; I’m not listening with half an ear.
And believe me, I know that laundry and dinner have to get done and made, and you can’t give your child complete focus all the time. But for at least one period of time every day (it can be as little as ten minutes), be entirely tuned into your child.
2) I’m not telling them the “right” way to do things.
Now, I know it can be tempting to give advice. You have a certain outcome in mind for your teenager, and when he or she deviates from that, it can be frustrating. You’re thinking, “I know how this story ends, just do it my way from the outset.”
But if you’re often giving advice and/or lecturing, you’re circumventing a natural learning process. You’re also sending the message that you don’t trust your teenager, or his/her way of seeing the world.